Campus People Watchers

      The People Watchers staked out the most popular Gophers After Dark event, “The Awkward Dance,” and came home with heavy bling. The night featured four competitions: the most awkward dance, the most awkward group dance, the most awkward individual costume, and the most awkward group costume. Each event had a first, second, and third place medal, making 12 medals in all. People Watchers came home with three medals: a bronze in most awkward group dance, the gold in most awkward group dance, and silver in most awkward costume.

        The bronze medal came from a group seizure that reminded everyone of a fish out of water. “Fish are awkward as is,” said Campus People Watcher Joey Cronick, “but I like rubbing them.” Later after dancing and winning the award Joey declined to comment further, but stared vulgarly holding out chocolates he hoped would end up in the mouths of children. Despite what you may think Cronick’s actions were ruled as "not creepy," as deemed by Scott Luisi, Chairman of Ethics for Campus People Watchers. The ruling came as a surprise for most.

                The silver medalist, Katie Derbyshire, dressed as a pregnant woman who had too much to drink. “I’m actually (hiccup) pregnant,” insisted Derbyshire before adding “buut I’m not drink neither!”  Clearly, with shrewd candor like hers the gold medal was within reach, but despite coming up short she managed to keep her head held high, avoiding accidental inhalation of her alcohol/morning sickness induced vomit.   Atta girl Katie!

                The non-existent award for Best People Watcher of the Night has to go to Nate Buck for his dazzling display of pantslessness, and his sexually explicit group dance. Buck’s group was a trio of well dressed businessmen up top but garnered boxer clad bottoms. The trio called themselves the Slob Nobbers. The Nobbers were exquisitely awkward, dry humping each other back and forth to the tune of the old Irish lullaby “Flesh on Flesh.”  The group refused to comment in English after their performance, but instead answered all of my questions in perfect Canadian, which is like English but without vowels or morals. When asked about how they managed to come up with such a clever dance Buck and the Nobbers replied, “jkld nnnmn hhgg.” Which translates to "screw off!”

   All in all it was a great night of boundary pushing, experimentation, and awkwardness. Lastly, this reporter