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Campus People Watchers are Awkward! |
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Our Adventures
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Written by David Shaffer
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Monday, 01 March 2010 23:06 |
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The People Watchers staked out the most popular Gophers After Dark event, “The Awkward Dance,” and came home with heavy bling. The night featured four competitions: the most awkward dance, the most awkward group dance, the most awkward individual costume, and the most awkward group costume. Each event had a first, second, and third place medal, making 12 medals in all. People Watchers came home with three medals: a bronze in most awkward group dance, the gold in most awkward group dance, and silver in most awkward costume.  The bronze medal came from a group seizure that reminded everyone of a fish out of water. “Fish are awkward as is,” said Campus People Watcher Joey Cronick, “but I like rubbing them.” Later after dancing and winning the award Joey declined to comment further, but stared vulgarly holding out chocolates he hoped would end up in the mouths of children. Despite what you may think Cronick’s actions were ruled as "not creepy," as deemed by Scott Luisi, Chairman of Ethics for Campus People Watchers. The ruling came as a surprise for most. 
The silver medalist, Katie Derbyshire, dressed as a pregnant woman who had too much to drink. “I’m actually (hiccup) pregnant,” insisted Derbyshire before adding “buut I’m not drink neither!” Clearly, with shrewd candor like hers the gold medal was within reach, but despite coming up short she managed to keep her head held high, avoiding accidental inhalation of her alcohol/morning sickness induced vomit. Atta girl Katie! 
The non-existent award for Best People Watcher of the Night has to go to Nate Buck for his dazzling display of pantslessness, and his sexually explicit group dance. Buck’s group was a trio of well dressed businessmen up top but garnered boxer clad bottoms. The trio called themselves the Slob Nobbers. The Nobbers were exquisitely awkward, dry humping each other back and forth to the tune of the old Irish lullaby “Flesh on Flesh.” The group refused to comment in English after their performance, but instead answered all of my questions in perfect Canadian, which is like English but without vowels or morals. When asked about how they managed to come up with such a clever dance Buck and the Nobbers replied, “jkld nnnmn hhgg.” Which translates to "screw off!”  All in all it was a great night of boundary pushing, experimentation, and awkwardness. Lastly, this reporter |
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 02 March 2010 21:30 )
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Our Adventures
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Written by Suave Magee
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Tuesday, 26 January 2010 18:09 |
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The University of Minnesota chapter of Campus People Watchers went out skating with the people over winter break and had high expectations. Fortunately, those expectations were met. "I wanted to see a cute couple holding hands, and what I got was a cute couple holding hands while the man held the girl's purse," said CPW member Katie Derbyshire. 
Many of the other people watchers had a similar experience of seeing more than they wanted. "I wanted to see 'that one guy who tries to impress everyone with his skating ability,' and instead there was this one guy in an orange jacket who was the initial impressive guy, and then that guy was upstaged by an ex-Disney on ice skater, and the first guy's reactions to the second guy's skating ability were incorrigible," said run-on sentence loving, CPW member Joey Cronick  k.
The remaining people watchers were delighted with the prototypical "cute ice skating girls in leotards," and the cosmopolitan "swearing faller." The People Watchers themselves were spectacles themselves as none of us knew how to skate well. We fell countless times, puncturing innumerable organs, and I must admit that despite my shattered femur, and sprained tailbone it was better than being bored, alone, and without people to watch. |
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 26 January 2010 18:15 )
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EVERYBODY POLKA WE'RE AT A ROLLER DERBY! |
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Our Adventures
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Written by David Shaffer
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Sunday, 06 December 2009 06:20 |
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 The Campus People Watchers staked out the Minnesota Roller girls derby last weekend. The bout began with an exhibition match between a couple of fake teams dubbed the cops and the robbers. Let me just say those women were sensuous, rough and tough. Plus the biggest hit this people watcher has ever seen during an event occurred when one cop dropped a shoulder into a robber. The second, and featured game was between OUR MINNESOTA ROLLER GIRLS, and some random team from Canada. The Canadians came in just as all Canadians do whenever they enter anything. They started screaming, shouting, gloating, and dawned skimpy clothing with outrageous names written on the back. My favorite Canadian roller derby name was Miss Carriage. The Minnesota Roller Girls took a daunting lead from the get go. They had at least seven grandslams which is when the jammers lap the rest of the field three times before the jam gets called off. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry because I don’t know if I really understand it either. Regardless, by halftime, the score was Canada 22 Minnesota 118, and this sport is nothing like golf! Half time was the best part of the night as the spot lights focused on a trio of men with tubas and lederhosen. With their announcement of “EVERYBODY POLKA!” the crowd streamed down to the track, and an intense bout of polka dancing erupted. We went down to dance, and this people watcher learned how to dance the polka from a very special cougar (seen sexily above). She was at least 45 years of age, and full of voluptuous curves that I could trace my fingers about for hours at a time. Some things happened... and then a conga line started and I left my beloved for the shoulders of another. It was the best line of anything that I’ve ever done!  
After we got our old people style dancing out of the way we headed off in the completely opposite direction; we went back to MPLS for some real hometown twerking. We people watchers went and hit up the faux rave scene at 1st ave. I am sure that many of our four to sixteen CPW readers know roughly what “Too Much Love” is, but what you may not know is how good the break dancing is that takes place on the upper stage. If you like spinning bodies and grinding on people Too Much Love is for you. If you like Jewish men then I’m for you. |
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Last Updated ( Sunday, 06 December 2009 06:37 )
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