|
|
|
Written by Suave Magee
|
|
Tuesday, 26 January 2010 18:09 |
|
The University of Minnesota chapter of Campus People Watchers went out skating with the people over winter break and had high expectations. Fortunately, those expectations were met. "I wanted to see a cute couple holding hands, and what I got was a cute couple holding hands while the man held the girl's purse," said CPW member Katie Derbyshire. 
Many of the other people watchers had a similar experience of seeing more than they wanted. "I wanted to see 'that one guy who tries to impress everyone with his skating ability,' and instead there was this one guy in an orange jacket who was the initial impressive guy, and then that guy was upstaged by an ex-Disney on ice skater, and the first guy's reactions to the second guy's skating ability were incorrigible," said run-on sentence loving, CPW member Joey Cronick  k.
The remaining people watchers were delighted with the prototypical "cute ice skating girls in leotards," and the cosmopolitan "swearing faller." The People Watchers themselves were spectacles themselves as none of us knew how to skate well. We fell countless times, puncturing innumerable organs, and I must admit that despite my shattered femur, and sprained tailbone it was better than being bored, alone, and without people to watch. |
|
Last Updated ( Tuesday, 26 January 2010 18:15 )
|
|
EVERYBODY POLKA WE'RE AT A ROLLER DERBY! |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
|
Written by David Shaffer
|
|
Sunday, 06 December 2009 06:20 |
|
 The Campus People Watchers staked out the Minnesota Roller girls derby last weekend. The bout began with an exhibition match between a couple of fake teams dubbed the cops and the robbers. Let me just say those women were sensuous, rough and tough. Plus the biggest hit this people watcher has ever seen during an event occurred when one cop dropped a shoulder into a robber. The second, and featured game was between OUR MINNESOTA ROLLER GIRLS, and some random team from Canada. The Canadians came in just as all Canadians do whenever they enter anything. They started screaming, shouting, gloating, and dawned skimpy clothing with outrageous names written on the back. My favorite Canadian roller derby name was Miss Carriage. The Minnesota Roller Girls took a daunting lead from the get go. They had at least seven grandslams which is when the jammers lap the rest of the field three times before the jam gets called off. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, don’t worry because I don’t know if I really understand it either. Regardless, by halftime, the score was Canada 22 Minnesota 118, and this sport is nothing like golf! Half time was the best part of the night as the spot lights focused on a trio of men with tubas and lederhosen. With their announcement of “EVERYBODY POLKA!” the crowd streamed down to the track, and an intense bout of polka dancing erupted. We went down to dance, and this people watcher learned how to dance the polka from a very special cougar (seen sexily above). She was at least 45 years of age, and full of voluptuous curves that I could trace my fingers about for hours at a time. Some things happened... and then a conga line started and I left my beloved for the shoulders of another. It was the best line of anything that I’ve ever done!  
After we got our old people style dancing out of the way we headed off in the completely opposite direction; we went back to MPLS for some real hometown twerking. We people watchers went and hit up the faux rave scene at 1st ave. I am sure that many of our four to sixteen CPW readers know roughly what “Too Much Love” is, but what you may not know is how good the break dancing is that takes place on the upper stage. If you like spinning bodies and grinding on people Too Much Love is for you. If you like Jewish men then I’m for you. |
|
Last Updated ( Sunday, 06 December 2009 06:37 )
|
|
|
|
|
Written by David Shaffer
|
|
Tuesday, 29 September 2009 15:55 |
|
Background: Last year one of the greatest psychological experiments took place throughout the entirety of the mall area on campus, but the event organizers were not the Campus People Watchers. The event I write of is, of course, the campus wide “freeze.” For those that are unaware of what a freeze is you should follow this link ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=uiqea9uechs) for a visual definition. Needless to say, we here at CPW were envious of the success of the event, and so when we heard about another freeze that was to take place this September we decided it was of the utmost import to alter the freeze in some way or another. We decided the best approach to altering the freeze would be to actually get the frozen people to - for lack of a better word – melt; furthermore, we decided to find out what the best way to make people melt is. Our only criteria for our experiment was that we people watchers weren’t allowed to touch, slander, or hurt any of the frozen.   Results: We had a lot of success getting the frozen to crack and melt. Some of the best melting agents were shoving gram crackers into people’s teeth until they started chewing, placing magic the gathering cards and/or fruit on people, and post-it noting people’s faces. This watcher had some success and irritating some people who may or may not have been frozen by turning the pages that they appeared to be reading, and by fiddling with whatever props they were using to add to their frozen appearance.  Conclusion: All in all we decided that the best melting agent of all had to be what one person who wasn’t even a part of campus people watchers tried. This little boy started screaming at the top of his lungs, yelling how the world was going to end, how everyone was frozen, and how he missed his mother. It got many of the frozen to start laughing, and as the CPW Chairman of Ethics, Scott Luisi, put it “the best way to get people to melt is to be loud and awkward” – something we here at CPW are professionals at. |
|
Last Updated ( Tuesday, 02 March 2010 06:32 )
|
|
|
|
Written by David Shaffer
|
|
Tuesday, 21 July 2009 02:05 |
|
The Campus People Watchers staked out the Minneapolis Gay Pride parade on the 28th of June. The event was action packed, and full of people who were homosexual, heterosexual, bi-sexual, etc. The best part is that everyone was having just a gay old time (don't pardon the pun, or disown the pun, just accept it for what it is!). The group really enjoyed seeing that everyone, whether they were in the parade or watching the parade, was feeling fabulous. The CPW group was able to make its way up along Hennepin Avenue, and end up in Loring Park where the Gay Pride Festival was happening. Tents lined the paths creating a flamboyant backdrop for our people watching. Also, as a wonderful accompaniment to our people watching, we discovered the parade goers must really like puppies because there were some of the most adorable puppies that we have ever seen. There was a familiar dog face at the parade as well, the same dog we saw at the St.Patrick’s Day parade died green was died rainbow colored! OMG! HOW ADORABLE! 
 As far as actual people watching goes, we were amazed by the audacity of the paraders. They took this common place parade and turned it into a giant protest against all that is dark and filthy about society. One man, seen above dressed in wedding clothes and following men on horses, proved to us all that he was willing to stand up and fight against a society that doesn’t support Lysol. His colleague, the cowboy with the shovel, is undoubtedly symbolic reference against the dirtiness of horse feces, and probably the dirtiness of the South. It was evident to us people watchers that not everyone at the parade understood the metaphorical references that these men were portraying, but that is probably because they haven't passed the rigorous eye training required to be in campus people watchers. The fight against dirtiness continued when seven men bathed before us all on a big foamy float. They were glorious, and their quest to legalize, what one can only guess to be cleaning supplies, did not go unheeded. 
The other notable float was one on which some lovely queens danced with what appeared to be giant dust mops elevated by some large platforms so everyone could see how we need to put cleaning on a pedestal. It was apparent that these girls really knew how to have fun cleaning, because some of their dance moves were just too sensual for this reporter to handle.  All in all it was a great time, and truly the people watching was unparalleled by all the other events we have had this year. In fact, we all decided that we would totally go gay for this parade. But perhaps the words of the great Brian Elder describe our feelings of the parade most articulately when he said, "I do believe that I have a man crush on this parade, and yet have never felt cleaner!" Don't we all Brian... Don't we all... Photos taken by Brian Elder |
|
Last Updated ( Tuesday, 21 July 2009 03:51 )
|
|
